Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives? Crimea River

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

I was told I needed to do some soul searching… so I Googled James Brown.

What do you want on your tombstone? pepperoni and cheese….

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album. Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Why don’t ghosts have legs? Because they’re so white the can’t dance.

What do you call a bunch of blondes waiting in line for meat? A barbie queue.

I met a guy who cross-bred insects… …he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

Why did Thor file a police report? Because someone stole his thunder.