Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Aliens: take me to your leader Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.

I don’t care who you are, but if you’re reading this I still don’t care.

Frenchman in a hotel. A french man calls the room service and asks for some “pepper”. “Well … would you like some white pepper or black pepper?” asks the receptionist. “Toilet pepper.”

Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.

Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’

Why was the lesbian mermaid fired from the bakery? She was eating all the muff-fins.

Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song