Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided… …if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

What do you call a hard working midget? A little elbow grease ^just ^thought ^of ^this ^one

Why did Hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill.

What did the cave woman use as a dildo? A fucking rock

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30%of their ice cream.

[1st Date] Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy Him: I’ve had a vasectomy Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Him: You gonna eat those fries?

Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? A: They take off their makeup.

Q: Why was a blind man’s leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Do you know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.