Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

My four levels of drunk: 1. Bouncy 2. Slide-y 3. Slurry 4. Turtle stuck on its back

What was Whitney Houston’s biggest hit? Her last one

I believe hell approves of this joke How do you circumcise a catholic priest? Kick the choir boy in the chin.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

3 men walk into a bar… …and the fourth one ducks.

How do you know that your gynecologist is nearsighted? His nose is wet.

*Takes drive down memory lane *Gets a DUI

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

I told my girlfriend her bond villain nickname is Winter Snow… Because she is so flakey I then called her Nigerian Prince for not delivering on her promises. True story