Dark jokes are like food… Only some people get it.

Virginity is not dignity, but lack of opportunity.

What does sex have in common with a savings account? You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping? Cop2: should we go help? Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up. This fall on CBS “Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Congratulations on “obtaining” your yellow belt. If we’re ever attacked by 3 pieces of wood being held together, you’re in charge.

It must be tough for a woman going through her OKCupid messages finding a good one… It’s like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

There’s a steering wheel in my pants It’s driving me nuts

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

The sweater you left is in the closet. just like you.