No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

Whats the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women’s track team? A tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

My foot just fell asleep, I’m terrified that drunk white people will notice and start drawing moustaches and penis’ on it. #ILoveYallReally

My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

What did one orphan say to the other orphan? “ROBIN, GET IN THE BATMOBILE!”

Angela Merkel got sad when she heard that she didn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize after taking in so many Syrian refugees So I offered her a tissue

Harry Potter Pickup line. Hey babe are you parseltongued cause my snake wants to communicate!

People who process expired passports are so lazy they’re always cutting corners. (Joel Dommett)