How was your thanksgiving? >> Very stuffing.

How many people from Cornwall does it take to change a lightbulb? They don’t care, as long as they do it better than people from Devon.

Wayne Rooney said he wants to be a manager after he retires “Burger King or McDonalds” was his response when asked where.

What are Cephalopod Ghosts made of? Octoplasm.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

I got into an accident a few days ago. The doctor said the bleeding was all internal. I said “oh, thank god.” The doctor said “why are you so happy?” I said “that’s where the blood is supposed to be!”

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Where do people have the curliest and blackest hair? In Africa.

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises. The librarian said “I don’t think its in yet”. I said “Yes that’s the one”.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.