11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

What’s your best racist joke? I was just looking for some good racially insensitive jokes for my friends. Gimme your worst, Reddit.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Attila ! Attila who ? Attila you no lies !

My ex told me that I was gonna die alone… I told her she was wrong because I would die while making out with a shotgun.

“Hello, Police? I’d like to report an anonymous tip.” Me: Hello, Police? I’d like to report an anonymous tip. Dispatcher: Go ahead. Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.

I have a weird fungal infection on my foot… I didn’t like it at first, but it’s growing on me.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

What does your sex life have in common with a highway bridge? If you have weight limits you aren’t going to see as much traffic.

Can someone just tell me which guy Bridget Jones ends up with? I keep killing myself before the end of the movie.

Why did the servant of the Airplane King get executed? He was not Boeing.