“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.

A black man walks into a police station… The police chief asks the cop… “so did you shoot him? Did you choke him out? Whats the problem here?”

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me

Tragic reports as customers find themselves trapped inside a burning Apple store There were no windows.

What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food? There goes my gyroooo

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits? He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse.

Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

What do you call empathetic bovine? understand bull