The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”

What famous actor costs an arm & a leg to hire? ARMold SchwarzenLEGger

Kinda wanna eat a jar of peanut butter, kinda wanna nap, kinda wanna punch a stranger. Being a woman is hard.

Most of the things I would kill myself over losing didn’t even exist 10 years ago.

I’d have to say that my biggest downfall was about two flights of stairs.

My girlfriend was masturbating with a carrot in the back seat of my car I shouted, “Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it’s just going to taste like carrots!”

What’s the difference between a dead prostitute and a dead German midget? A tiny pair of lederhosen on your basement floor.

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner? A drunk drives right through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green.

I have a Mexican friend from the United States… He said he was Juan of US.

Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her.