If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

What do you call a girl whose profile pictures are only facial close ups? Fat.

I’ve been searching months for my girlfriends killer. But nobody will do it.

I watched a gay fish porn the other day… …it was pretty homoaquatic.

What do you call weed from Israel? MaraJEWjuana

The Jerk Store Called, they’re running out of you! -George Costanza haha, sorry this just came to mind and I had to share..

They should just draw a fart on the car A/C “recirculate” button.

Come on down! You’re the next contestant on STFU!

Two nuns… There are two nuns in a bath. One says, “where’s the soap?” The other says, “it does rather, doesn’t it!”

Lost my watch at a party… Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl. ^not ^^on ^^^my ^^^^watch.