I was taken by aliens! I couldn’t get away, I don’t speak Spanish!

How many Jews died in the holocaust? Not enough.

Him: Let’s play “show me your binky.” Me: Hey Father, this is a fucked up confession. Can’t I just say a Hail Mary?

“It’s now or nev” ME: Never. I choose never.

I got a discount circumcision from a friend. He did a terrible job, but it was really a fantastic discount. Now I’m not sure if I should complain or not. I’m really torn.

Waiter: And what would the lady like? Me: Waiter: Me: Waiter: Me: Date: Gigi, he means you. Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

I stare at the cats. “And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.” They look at me in horror.

Your momma’s so fat . . . She has to lift up the toilet seat to take a shit.

I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there’s been a lot of opposition from parents’ groups. Apparently, it’s a very touchy subject.

What did the fruit enthusiast do as he was dying? Prepear for the end.