ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror] [ever so slightly later] ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

What do Polish arctic researchers do at elections? They have a polar pole poll.

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing? Help! My pocket’s been picked!

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, except she scissors it in.

My wife wanted to spice up our sex life. So she asks me if I wanna have a threesome. I said, “Sweetie. If I ever have sex with two women at the same time….. neither one is gonna be you.”

Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis? [OC] It was an obvious faux paw. ^Credit: ^My ^wife’s ^a ^dork.

A man goes to the library and asks for their best book on suicide! Librarian says “Oh, we are out of copies on that. People who take it never returns it”

First came up with this joke when I was 5 and it’s still the funniest thing I’ve ever said. Q. What do you call a line of Barbies? A. A Barbecue!

is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

What’s the worst thing about owning a console? Memories of your dad leaving you are in 30fps