Damn girl, are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won’t shut the fuck up.

On the bus I was sitting on the bus and this super hot Thai girl gets on and sits next to me I think to myself “Please don’t get a boner, please don’t get a boner, please don’t get a boner” She did.

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!! Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream! Me:… Hub:…his dream, not mine

Monogamy First, do no harem.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.

I was told that Microwaves were invisible But I can see mine on my counter. Is mine broken?

My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

What did the black horse name its daughter? Sha-neigh-neigh. Thought of it at work.