The thing I like best about smartphones is how they’re a prison you keep in your pocket

I used to be extremely afraid of hurdles… but I got over it.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

My girlfriend told me to wash my willy I said no, it was the only way for me to make her gag

My friend likes to read philosophy instead of going to the club to pick up chicks… One could say he puts Decartes before the whores

What do you call a blonde white guy with blue eyes who is an experienced soldier and who works with sick animals? A veteran Aryan.

On page 24 of the world record book I’m listed as the men with the longest penis. At page 69 I’m listed as world’s best liar.

In light of all the recent blond jokes… Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them.

Musician Joke Q. How many female jazz vocalists does it take to perform “Summertime”? A. Fucking all of them, apparently . . .

GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me? Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.