What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer? A sore finger.

My crush’s ex-boyfriend was into wearing diapers I asked her best friend what she likes in a guy. She said, “Depends…”

Why are people not right in the head? Because on the left side of the brain there is nothing right and on the right side there is nothing left!

When I don’t approve of another shopper’s groceries in the checkout line, I just use one of those separator bars to sweep them to the floor

I think “old media” should rebrand themselves as “cougar media” to attract a younger male audience.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Son! You have been adopted -Really! -Yes. Now gather your shit and get out. Your new parents are here to pick you up.

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said Maybe