I heard there are hillbillies dressing up as clowns and threatening people… They call themselves the Ku Klux Klown

[at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

So a termite walks into a bar. He then proceeds to ask, “where’s the bar tender”?

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

My kid threatened to hold his breath until i gave him dessert He’s now passed out on the floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology Has been my Achilles elbow

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Q: what did Norman Bates say… when the waitress asked him what kind of toast he wanted? A: wheat! wheat! wheat! wheat! wheat!…

Apparently there was a new episode of “Biggest Loser” on tonight… Indianapolis Colts edition.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.