I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look: Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

What do you call three rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

What’s the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A Pickpocket snatches watches.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

I saw a VW hybrid today. It runs on gasoline and lies.

FUN FACT: Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

My wife’s legs are like the peanut butter I left in the fridge. Won’t spread.

I’m running away to join the internet.