An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to add to your already heavy workload.

How do you know if a black woman is pregnant? Stick a banana up her cooter, if it comes out half eaten, you’ve got a monkey on the way!

What do you call a Mackem thief who travels around on horseback? A Ha’wayman.

Why do people put orange clothes on their kids at pumpkin patches? I almost picked a fat one up until it screamed.

What’s Jared Fogle’s favorite weather? El nino.

I can’t wait for my girlfriend to get up and swap tampons. Let’s see what she thinks of the party popper I’ve put inside her.

When I’m at a business dinner I pretend like I’m choking so I can chug my wine.

I asked my co-worker if she liked Adele.. Co-worker: No, I haven’t listened to any of her music actually. Me: Oh! Then you must be rolling in the deep!

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware store? He was looking for a tight seal.

A man is accused.. ..of raping a ginger woman. The Judge says ‘what you did was disgusting and horrible’. The man replies ‘in my defence, it was dark and she was wearing a hat!’.