If I wrote an autobiography I bet it wouldn’t sell Story of my life..

Why is Jupiter both the favourite and most hated planet for Jews? Favourite because **Jew**piter is the biggest planet in the solar system Hated because it’s a gas planet

How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his whole family

Women are like cars… Only the broken ones stick around.

I like my women like WTC7, going down for no reason, that’s a conspiracy joke that 9/11 people won’t get, it’s an inside joke.

Please make sure my tombstone reads: wish you were here.

A shout out to all of the beautiful women who don’t need to dress trashy to attract a man….. But party at my place for all those who do

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

You could give me 67 years to do something and I wouldn’t do it until the night before.

What is the friendliest kind of aircraft? A Hello-copter.