Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped prison? He was a small medium at large.

How do you find a blind man at a nudist beach? It’s not hard

Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

Mirror salesman… Now there is a job I could see myself doing.

So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

I like my tautologies like I like my tautologies.

Little Girl: mom, I want to be an alligator when I grow up Mom: well, pick one. You can’t be…acghhghh! Stop eating me! Aghhghhh…ah..a…bleh.

Back in my day we didn’t have leaderboards or RTs. We just tweeted for fun. Uphill both ways. In the snow.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.