Watching commercials about retirement homes makes my boner reach for the stars.

ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon

I smell sex and candy. I hate being Willy Wonka’s roomate.

What’s the worst thing about 1 ply toilet paper? It’s already shitty before you use it.

Why was the lettuce scared of the salad? Cos.

Ha Long is many Dongs

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor *horse walks by snorting aggressively* ticulturalist *horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

I just spent fifteen minutes wondering how mermaids poop in case anyone out there is looking for a best friend or arch nemesis or something.

why are black people so good at basketball because they can shoot steal and run!

I got a new car for my wife! It was a great trade!