Live each day like it’s my last? Terrible advice. Do you really want to encourage me to eat my weight in cereal?

I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.

Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like, “Oh wow, I love these, thanks” Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”

My friend David’s ID was stolen the other day Now we just call him Dav

My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny. It was a cheap shot.

The Kool-Aid Man seems depressed lately. Let’s keep him away from load-bearing walls.

Whats long and hard and has cum in it? a cucumber

I’m no weatherman… But you’ll be seeing more than a couple inches tonight. 😉

What’s the difference between a C4 and a feminist? The C4 does something when it’s triggered.

my high school class voted me “most likely to hover over the snack table at the ten year reunion”