The tachyon leaves. The Barman says “We don’t serve your kind here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

Just bought a new phone, it’s helping me with weight loss I don’t have money to eat anything for 2 months.

I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing statuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as my own original thoughts.

Is it just me…. …. or were all the kids in the magic school bus show trippin balls.

What’s another word for knowing that you’re right? Woman

I hate it when people ask me what I’ll be doing in 5 years… It’s not like I have 2020 vision

Why are teenage girls so much better at English than boys? Girls, like, have a much better, like, grasp of, like, similes.

TIL I haven’t actually been having conversations with my furniture… My toaster told me

My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.

The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children Thank fuck i don’t have to tell their parents ….