My girlfriend said she was cutting off sex for a while. I told her that is fine, we will just have more rape.

What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with cheese

Broken pencils… Are pointless.

God said to peter come fourth… But Peter came fifth and won a toaster

Why can’t Kim Kardashian find her asshole? He’s back on tour.

Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

I wish I was a girl So I can use my menstruation cycle as my calendar.

Why did the stool not listen to the stepladder? Because it wasn’t his real dad

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache CW: *hands me 5 Advil* Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

why should you never sleep with a female beekeper? she might give you herbees