A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed. The mechanic takes a look at it and says “looks like you blew a seal.” penguin replies “no, that’s just frosting on my lip.”

If someone sends you a link to download the Homer’s Iliad, don’t download it… It’s full of trojans!!

What do you call a snake that informs the police ? A grass snake !

I like the lack of controversy over the Olympic men’s figure skating “No Need to Ask, We’ll Tell!” policy.

What do you call space herpes? Star Warts.

*puts hand on your knee *slowly moves up your thigh *runs over your hip *drags finger up your stomach *grabs remote *changes channel

Some people mock me because I’m a virgin but I don’t give a fuck (This is probably a repost because it’s so unoriginal)

I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

John Deere’s manure spreader… …is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.