My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!” I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

growing up my sister was a cutter… thankfully, she got help and no longer cut herself; she would just ask me to do it…

What’s the difference between jam and marmalade? Nsfw You can’t marmalade your cock up someones ass.

Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.

I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.

A man on crutches walks into his local Ice-Cream shop.. He asks the lady behind the desk for a Knickerbocker Glory. She says; “Crushed nuts?” He says; “No, a sprained ankle”

Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

What did one gay man say to another at the bar? “Mind if I push your stool in? ;)”

What do crocodiles serve at dinner time? Death rolls

Getting to the point now where we should just try to get the water out of the oil.