What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.

911? Yes, I was making donuts and… yes, donuts… yes, I’ll hold. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE FAST!

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Man bumps into my shoulder “You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”

NEW BASKETBALL IDEA: oblong basketball that gets thrown down a long field-like court. Maybe we tackle the guy who catches it?

My girlfriend might not appriciate this. Me: I’ve got something to tell you. Gf: Don’t say that makes me anxious. Me: I’ve got a date. Gf: ??? Me: http://imgur.com/GeYB7xY Still to hear back from her.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. But, I still can’t figure out how they got in there.

You hear about those robbers who steal shoes for fun? It’s how they get their kicks.

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? Pokemon

Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? they are filled with Arab semen.