It’s hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Why did the run-on sentence get worried? Her period came late.

How many potatoes does it take to kill the irish? None.

now it’s the scientists’ turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: a left ear, a right ear and a front-ear

The Amish are starting to promote the use of condoms…. To help stop the spread of Abes.

“Just obsess about that stupid thing you said for another hour, then maybe we can move on.” – My mind.

What’s the shortest organ in a goat? An ISIS member’s dick.