I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas…. I woke up in a box.

they smoked a joint and overthrew the government. now that’s a high coup

Getting pulled over Officer (*Walks over*) Officer -I’m going to ask you to step out of the car for a sobriety test. Me (*Presses tits together*) Me -How about now? Officer -Sir, get out of the car.

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

What’s a pedophile’s favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

Did you guys hear about the Great Potato Famine in Ireland? Seriously, how hard is it to feed your potatoes?

Most serial killers are men. That’s because women prefer to kill just one man, over a period of many, many years.

The Chicago Cubs