What is Lionel Messi’s favorite soft drink? Si, era Missed

What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film? Stop playing it cagey!

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch. My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t? Come in eight flavors.

Can’t help but think if I hadn’t eaten that baby corn in 2001 it would now be teenage corn.

Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I am still working on it.

What did the really dumb guy name his pet giraffe? Spot.

I hate it when I go to the supermarket and the employees there comment on my groceries. Always with the “Hey, sir, you have to pay for those!” Every damn time.

The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I’m not into high maintenance women.

My doctor said my blood sodium level is apparently too high but I take everything with a grain of salt.