Vegetarian: *lists 100 reasons why I shouldn’t eat meat* Me: Counterpoint: bacon.

I bought a used BMW from a cannibal yesterday. It cost me an arm and a leg.

Can I have a broken drum for Christmas? The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

How does an atheist start their prayers? To Whom It May Concern

What’s so cool about cemeteries? I don’t get it. People are dying to get in them.

I’m going to open a French-Vietnamese restaurant serving fake noodles…. I’ll call it Faux Pho.

How do you blow a movie quote? You just put your lips together and whistle

I told my court-appointed therapist I just needed a little piece and quiet. She said, “Necrophilia is a crime.”

What do you call a prostitute that does both men and women? An omniwhore