Two muffins are sitting in the oven. When one muffin leans over to the other and says, “boy it sure it’s hot in here.” To which the other muffin responds, “holy shit a talking muffin!”

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave. *Adds track star to resume*

I text-ed my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

If I wanted to seduce my mom with fruit… …should I send her an Oedipal Arrangement?

What do you call a pig with three eyes ? Piiig

How do you make an orphans hands bleed? Tell them to clap until daddy gets home

I like my coffee like my women… Black and bitter, preferably fairtrade

What do you say to a fig on ice? Fig u’re skating

Wasn’t doing much, so submitting a funny link on reddit.. You are doing that too much. Try again later.

JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT– [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]