Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cutesay it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Most women love it when you play with their hair in public Their husbands not so much

What is a pedophile’s favorite shoe? White Vans.

What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails? Snout about!

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!

The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.

So a sloth got robbed by 3 turtles… When the cops asked him what happened the sloth said, It. all. happened. so. fast.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you Pull the pin out and throw it back

I have never understood telephones ,i mean, how can sound travel at the speed of light