They call my mom Neutrogena she offers fast and effective hand relief for under five dollars.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

I walked into the pharmacist’s office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son. The pharmacist asked “is your son sexually active?” I replied with “no he just lays there and cries.”

A boy walks into a butchers and asks for a pound of kidelies Do you mean kidneys? asks the butcher. boy: I said that didelie?

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

I have two major flaws: 1. I’m very redundant 2. I tend to repeat myself

Funny one liners – 2016 Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.

Court decision: “I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair…… ….what happens next will shock you.”

This map of Africa is so authentic, it has no borders, it just says “Hey guys, can someone fucking help us?” across the entire thing.