a man walks into a bar ouch

I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years. Do I look like I have a 2020 vision?

Why are people into Flat Earth Theory? Because it’s edgy.

I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend] you got the net? “yes” ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly this dick in your mom’s mouth

*time travels an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating the pizza but every time, future me just joins past me in eating it*

The 2016 US Presidential Election That’s it. That’s the entire fucking joke. Edit: Woke up to hundreds of messages and FP status. Damn. Thanks, folks! And thanks for the gold!

If you’ve had your name called over the PA system at a grocery store, you’re now famous enough to compete on Dancing with the Stars.

How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just compliment it and get mad when it won’t screw.