Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

Why are steak puns so rare? Because they are never well done.

I wish my cocaine was emo so it would cut itself.

Say what you want about pacifists

I believe Donald Trump can make this country what it once was- -an arctic region with zero population

Important copyright notice Remember, if you sing “Happy Birthday” to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free.

Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? …Because Burger King didn’t wrap his whopper

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it …so I said “Implants?”

[first date] “You’re not into anything weird right?” -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

When The Rock is about to do it to his wife I bet he says something sexy like “You ready to Rock?!” or “Rock, paper, scissors?!”