If a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and loathed by half the country just won the election… …maybe Hillary should consider running as a Republican!

I approach sex and parking the same way Get close enough to the end while still being able to safely pull out.

Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to? [flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors] Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.

I love the way you move…like butter on a bald monkey.

I was arrested for indecent exposure, but, sadly, released for lack of evidence.

two Odessa women fall out with each other: – Oh, you old whore! – Sarah! I do not understand, what’s age got to do with It ?!

Paris Hilton was arrested for coke possession. Said her family, “If you love cocaine so much Paris, why don’t you Marriott?”

Chemists do it on the table… Periodically.

Why didn’t the coast guard save the hippy? He was too far out!

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button? -IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.