Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on you. Fool me three times shame on you. It’s always going to be you. It’s NEVER me.

Say what you want about pedophiles.. At least they drive slowly around playgrounds.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed and laughed Then i remembered that my wife and I had different dentists.

Brain: Compliment her eyes Me: Yeah? Brain: Trust me “YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.” Brain: Perfect!

I asked an Indian if he likes custard He said, “not in general.”

What’s the difference between a black person and a bench? One can support a family

An SJW walks into a bar… [Removed]

I was wondering how close the twister was… The answer blew me away

They should make a weed strain called “WMD” Except it turns out it doesnt exist