I bet Hitler & the guy who invented the car alarm belong to a book club together in hell.

All of the world’s natural disaster met to decide which one was the worst. Avalanche won by a landslide.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

There are 2 types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Q: How do you have a party in outer space? A: You plan-et.

Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar. On Valentine’s Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

I was at the confessional booth the other day and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating He said “Sure, If it bothers you, I’ll stop”.

“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…” -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell

I love my toilet. We’ve been through a lot of crap together.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.