What’s today’s date? Germany/Brazil/2016

That picture of yourself that you hate now will look better than the best possible picture of you in five years.

What do you call 7 Irish guys singing “White Christmas?” Racist.

Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting. Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come? The hunters were a man his son and his grandson.

Why is the O in Opossum silent? Because it’s playing dead.

Why was the blonde’s belly button bruised? Her boyfriend was blond, too.

Why did the feminist accuse her teacher of misogyny? Because he’d D graded her.

If a woman falls in the kitchen and I pretend not to hear it, does she still hear the sound of me tweeting about it?

“Dad, did you ever fall in love with a teacher?” “Yes son , with the kindergarden teacher.” “Then what happened?” “Well, your mom caught us and we had to send you to a new school.”

Why can’t mexicans pass the border in groups of three? Because there’s a sign that says No Tres-passing