What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to do his own surgery? “Suture self!”

What’s so good about being a CPU? Every time you are turned on, you’re getting blown.

You see those cows over there? They are outstanding in their field.

What’s the difference between rape and extortion? How you spell blackmail

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Teach a man to fire and he’ll run for president.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos? Me: Noooo. I had one nacho. Hub: because they were stuck together? Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Show me a cannibal who gets sick on missionary stew… …and I’ll show you that you can’t keep a good man down!

I used to be terrible at Valentines’ Day too… But then I took an arrow in the knee.

I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground …so I threw my fries on the ground too.

90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys