What do you call it when you have a bad dream about having sex with someone you hate? A ‘fucking’ nightmare.

*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking* *sees the coast is clear, licks tree* And that’s how they found out about maple syrup

What’s the difference between a virtual car and a real one? You can’t steal a real car a few bits at a time

What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common? They’ll never work.

“Newt Gingrich” sounds like the name of a villain that JK Rowling made up.

I was talking to a 12 year old on the Internet when she told me she was an undercover cop I told her I was proud of her That’s a really big job for a 12 year old

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $3.99 and deer nuts are under a buck.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

Just another day in Portland Oregon http://i.imgur.com/JL86MY3.png