I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?

You need some more fuel for that fire? Cause I got some wood for you right here.

Whats green and flys through the air? Super Pickle

Psychedelic Playthings… So I should probably stop covering my child’s toys in LSD and leaving them out… … I’ve heard they can be a trip hazard.

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time… I will smash my radio. Don’t believe me? Just watch

Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck in the chicken.

A secretary and her boss Secretary: do you wanna go out for dinner tonight? Boss: I don’t know. Check if im free while I go get some coffee.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

If Twitter weren’t for unconsidered blather, they wouldn’t have named it after bird noises.

*breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: DID YOU GET MY TEXT?