I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

Q: Was Jesus delicious?

What would bears be without Bees Ears

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin* “I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?” *dead guy sits up in casket* No it sounds lovely. Keep going

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero

What did the proctologist do to those poor people’s butts? He rectum.

I’m not exactly sure who Pavlov is… But the name does ring a bell.

Why is a rat and a jew alike? you can find both running through the sewer after a nice hot shower.

I called a rape advice line earlier today. Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.