Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.

Husband says to his wife “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back!” She says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.”

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

Engineering students are always confused by women… ….why do the ones with the most streamlined bodies put up the most resistance?

Two cannibals are eating a clown… and one says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

I was surprised that Lil Jon endorsed a presidential candidate… BERN DOWN FOR WHAT?!?

What do women and dog turds have in common? The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see