Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?” Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court” Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…shit she’s coming. To be continued.

Did you hear about the guy that spilled curry powder in his bed? Woke up in a Korma

You can tune a piano.. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tunafish

I farted in a room of hipsters and watched them fight over who heard it first.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.

The real oldest yo mama joke… …yo mama

What did the egg say to the boiling water?… You’re gonna have to give me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In a mirror! Reply from my 9 year old brother, after my mom asked me this while talking about future career prospects.

In an interview: “How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?” “I Excel at it.” “Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?” “Word.” Edit: thanks u/Steve_Jobs_iGhost