What is the most noble office supply? The ruler!

What do all Pedophiles have in common They’re all Fucking Immature Ass-holes

I wish I had an old Asian man for a pet. That way I could name it “Old Yeller”

*steals machine parts all year* *gets coal for xmas* “Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber” *turns coal into diamond*

What do you call a gay drive-by. A Fruit Roll-Up

Why can’t you fart in an apple car? It doesn’t have windows.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are all arranged in flawless, perfect alphabetical order… AS THEY SHOULD BE.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days. Me: hmmm Satan: well? Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

I like my bread the way I like my women… French and covered in butter.

A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.