My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

Alcohol is an excellent solvent. It dissolves marriages, friendships and organs.

I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!

I’m selling my talking parrot….. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.

So Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar. The bartender says “OH SNAP”

If girls have two X chromosomes… Do pornstars have 3 X chromosomes?

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Why couldn’t the butter quit his gambling addiction? HE WAS ON A ROLL!

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

5 years from now it’ll be 2020… I can see it now… That’s a perfect vision joke.