My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I’m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge…

I saw a unicorn today. Okay fine, I saw a girl who ate her food without Instagramming it first. Same thing.

Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day. Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns. Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins. Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s. Or bees.

[NSFW] Its a good thing your vagina has a sense of humor… …otherwise it wouldn’t be able to take this joke.

I hate people who take drugs… …such as the police and customs officers.

I’ve dedicated my entire life to getting prostitutes off the streets For an hour or so each day.

How do stories from Justin Biebers early childhood begin? “A few months ago

Why shouldn’t you take your clothes off while riding the elevator? It could get you an in descent exposure charge.

A redhead girl, an Asian girl and a blonde girl are in 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest? The Asian of course, she’s 10 years old.